About Stepping Out the Victim Roles
Or: why being angry is important.
Victim → Anger → Grief → Forgiveness → Peace
It cannot be done any other way, in my own humble experience.
When a person has been victimized, the only way to come out of the victim pattern is to start - all the way until s/he finishes - being angry.
Anger is a massively important step in the process of stepping out of victim roles. Only when we become thoroughly angry we signal our borders again in a balanced way, the borders which were so originally violated, and ever since, we can't find them anymore... Anger is the place to start. Anger sends a clear message of an aggressive/assertive NO! and sends the perpetrator back behind our border lines.
The problem is - we don't allow ourselves to be angry. (a) because that's what we are being taught by society, especially women. Being angry is not being nice. (b) because we are scared. Back when the trauma happened, we went into survival mode. It may have been really dangerous of us to become angry, it may have been safer for us not to resist. So back then, we learned to shut it down. But now it's different. Now we have the power to find this source again (c) because being angry might make us feel guilty (d) because anger energy is like fire; it might be painful and burn.
But not becoming angry doesn't solve anything. Carrying the wound, like we do every day with our traumas, will still be painful.
So we might as well allow ourselves to be angry. The key word here is to ALLOW. We need to understand that we are ALLOWED to be angry. This emotion that has been shut down - it needs to roar. Like a dragon spitting fire. It will burn the throat, but cleanse everything in its path. And it will make us feel so empowered.
Please remember that every emotion has a beginning and an end. So we need feel allowed to be angry all the way through. Even if it feels bottomless, it will one day end. And only when it ends, we will drop our victim role, this role that we've carried for so long.
Eventually, after the anger will fade out - and we give it as much time as needed - we can move on to finish coping with our grief. The fire of the anger will dry out the tears of our grief and we could then forgive. Even, even forgive. Forgiving our perpetrator is the most challenging assignment we can have in our life-time, but it is necessary for our healing processes. Please don't even think about it if you are not ready to, since I know it's a big thing. It is so hard, almost impossible to ask ourselves to forgive, but deep down, you know it is the only way to achieve peace. Sometimes I feel it might be too hard a task to do on the Earthly level, and we must climb up to a higher consciousness in order to see the bigger picture and understand forgiveness. This will take time. Give it time. Start by allowing yourself to be angry, to grief. To start, and aim on finish on, being angry. In the end, the engines of the fire will burn themselves out, and you will be left only with the ecstatic tears of forgiveness, and finally - peace.