Some More Thoughts About Pain
That fundamental pain, that’s there, hidden deep inside us, and just wouldn’t let go.
We give it a different name every time, being triggered by different outer circumstances, but it is always the same.
It is the most private, personal feeling that we never share with anyone.
Anything else – sure, you are welcome to come in. But there is no entry to my personal pain. Then the claws will come out, chasing you backwards beyond my borders.
There are many types of pains- the pain we cause to someone else, the pain that is being caused on us, and the pain we inflict on ourselves. But ultimately, all these bodies of pain come from the same source, the one collective human pain, going through the Earth, contagious. Like a virus.
Because a pain that I felt, will transfer itself within moments to a person close to me. Maybe it’s because so much pain makes me bitter and cruel, forcing me to throw this pain towards someone else; here, you hold it for a minute, it’s too painful for me, I can’t hold it by myself anymore. Maybe it’s because seeing my pain will inflict pain on the person next to me who cares about me. But it will never bring a relief to my pain. The pain only intensifies itself and multiplies.
How many years can families and partners pass along these bodies of pain between them. Here, you hold it now. But no, it doesn’t make us feel better, it only intensifies, and now other people who are dear to us are holding it too. This is how the body of pain multiplies. The guilt we feel now – that is the manifestation of the multiplying body of pain.
The problem is that deep inside, in our source, we refuse to simply feel that unfathomable pain that follows us always. Our inner expectations tell us that it shouldn’t be here. That we should be happy all the time, never experience negative emotions, like anger, frustration, insult, bitterness, guilt. We believe that we shouldn’t feel any suffering. Our inner expectations make us truly believe we are supposed to be happy all the time. This conflict between our expectations and reality is the essence of our suffering.
We just can’t stand it, this reality. We will not allow this pain to float. No, we need to fix it, quickly, so I’ll just sign up for a retreat, buy a self-help book, meditate, surround myself with stuff, anything, what should I do?! I need to solve this now, quickly.
But the fact is, that this fundamental pain, that truly resides in every one of us, just wants us to feel it for a moment. Without trying to solve it. Without avoiding it. It calls us to stop everything that we are doing, BE HERE AND NOW and feel it. These immense depths just want to be reached, touched. To be acknowledged. These are the most hidden inner parts of ourselves. The chase we are creating in the opposite direction from them is what creates the suffering. The true pain, the real pain, is not the source of our suffering, it is the struggle to avoid it. Our expectation that “it shouldn’t be here”.
The truth is, there is no escape from our pain. That pain will always be here, and it just wants to be acknowledged. To stop fighting it. It is not what creates our suffering, it is the fighting it, the disappointment that it is still here. But it will always be here. An inner, personal, private body of pain that is in our essence, inviting us to dive into it and study the depths it holds inside us. Without thinking about what to “do” with it. Without trying to solve it. Just to BE with it. These are the deepest parts of our souls, waiting to be accesses.
Let us allow ourselves to experience this pain without trying to fight it. The constant fight, chasing our tail trying to solve it, is destined to fail. This is what causes the suffering, not the pain itself. The pain itself is much simpler. It is just us.
And when we truly go visit our source of pain, when we really dare to dive inside and look into the Pandora’s box we are trying to constantly avoid (for so many years!), only then will we feel a relief from our suffering. Only then will we realize how beautiful our pain is. It is the pure essence of me. It is the part of me defining who I am. Visiting the abyss of pain will finally help us understand the source of our suffering, why we act like we do, why we have the huge urge to inflict pain on ourselves and on others.
Pain is part of the human collective consciousness. It will never leave us and will always be here. But in it’s true essence, it is forcing us to acknowledge it, surrender to it and open-up to it – that is the only true answer for suffering. No more circling around. No, inside. As deep as it reaches. The self-exploration of our pain will allow us to discover the most hidden parts of ourselves. And we already know that we’ll discover so much beauty when we’re inside these caves, so much beauty. So much beauty, that everything else will just melt away.