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On Being Addicted to Sex
A woman is being brought up with the notion that she should please her man. A man is being raised with the idea that he should conquer. And so we are being led to fulfill these roles, completing each other's patterns in horrific destructiveness. A woman is never being taught that saying no is a legitimate answer, and a man is being taught that he can take without even asking whether yes or no. So many times I personally found myself caught up in these destructive patterns. There was the one who used to sit me down for "reprimand talks" when we "weren't having enough sex", as if sex was something I was supposed to be giving and he taking. And the one who would wait until I wouldn't pay attention, to touch me somewhere that he knows I found unpleasant, quickly, quickly, before I could have the chance to resist. And the one who would get so offended every time I didn't want to, so, "fine, here, take some", as if sex was a currency with which I am paying him to "Love" me with.
And me, the "victim", who didn't know how to communicate that there's something wrong here. That didn't have the understanding or the words to point out what was wrong here.
Women are supposedly looking for Love, men are looking for sex, and both sides are conning each other to "get" what they need in return for their 'payment' - as though sex is something that a woman 'has', and the man needs it from her. As though Love is something a man has, and the woman needs it from him. Is it?
Women were brought up to believe that we would be "swept off our feet", be conquered, the knight in shining armor, that mysterious and stranger men, will one day come and rescue us, because we are so weak, fragile, delicate, can't even break a tiny glass shoe we walk in. That a "real" man is conquering, penetrating, ground-breaking, coming to pick up our "flower", shake the ground we walk on.
Notice how all these words are a vocabulary of war. And both sides are addicted to that story. Both sides were raised up believing these myths so well, that we masochistically find pleasure in them and don't want to change.
But, of course, Love and war have nothing in common.
And a woman is not a flower just waiting to be picked by a man. Just as him, she is a tree! With roots, trunk, stem, leaves and, yes, also flowers. And a man is also a tree. Each one has their own flowers, and so there is no need to pick or take someone else's.
And it is up there, at the tree tops, that both foliage meet and intertwine. And still, if you tried, you could separate the two easily and distinguish which leaf or flower belongs to whom. Each outline is clear, the roots are stable and the "I" versus the "other" is well defined.
A real woman, will learn how to stop pleasing. She will know it is legitimate for her to decide when yes and when no, and that it's OK if not everyone else around her is pleased. A real woman will manage her space of Sacred Femininity with confidence and no hesitation. A real woman will learn to put her foot down and mark her emotional, physical space and territory when she has herself in mind before anyone else. It is not being selfish, it's her own self-pleasing, which makes her happy and therefore makes the rest of the world happy as well. A real woman will learn how to authentically say yes or no without feeling the urge to apologize, without fear of hurting the other, because she will understand that pleasing and sacrificing herself hurts herself too. A real woman will make sacred her own personal space and will know that it's a privilege for the other to let him in, will know to allow it only to the one/s who is/are worthy. A real woman will not rush someone else in only out of needing to feel "loved".
A real man will erase the social brainwash and conditioning he was raised on, and won't even need to hold back, because there is nothing to hold back. Just Love. A real man will understand that when he enters a woman's sacred space, whether it's her physical space or the space called "her life", he enters a space of Sacred Femininity, a huge shrine which is another person, and he will enter it with grace, humbly, modestly, on his tip-toes, being careful not to break anything, only admiring. And Only after he asked – literally and specifically, if he even has the right to enter. And only if and after he received permission. And even if he didn't receive permission, he will accept it with peace of mind. Because he will know he has nothing to be offended by, it says nothing about him. And so, with that understanding of the Sacred Femininity, a real man can be transformed to his Sacred Masculinity.
A real woman and a real man will drop down both their swords, will start communicating in a different vocabulary, made of Love, of compassion, of grace, of kindness, of respecting, honoring, honoring, honoring the other, for the other is so tremendous, so enormous, so amazing, so wonderful, so who are we to lessen them.
When we learn to drop our swords at the relationship level, we'll learn how to do it for bigger levels, for social relationships, political relationships, national relationships. This, this, this is the path for true PEACE.
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